Looking at “The Gift of Singleness” article I wrote over two years ago, I have noticed that the insights are very good but that the article is a little imbalanced for certain situations. It must be stated that I was not writing about an actual “gift of singleness” but more so referring to the “season of singleness” as a gift from God, one of the only times in our lives to be fully and 100% devoted to God without having to take care of our spouses, etc. I think having a godly perspective on dating is very important and I think the issue holds two tensions that need to be awkwardly balanced. This article needs to be balanced in light of the previous one. I admit that I have swung from one extreme to the other but I do feel that now is a time where our generation needs to swing from the wait on God perspective to a more active stance on the issue (while continuing to hold both tensions in the balance if that’s at all possible!).
This article is only written to those single people who are very interested in getting married in the near future. If that’s not you now, please enjoy and take advantage of the freedom that your singleness offers!
Men: Active Pursuing
There are many singles today who are lovers of Jesus but are experiencing severe loneliness and even depression because their needs are not being met with a spouse. Adam was lonely before he even sinned. Humans were created for one another, man and woman together in perfect union. Loneliness is a very real thing that is unfortunately plaguing many single Christians today. I must encourage guys to stop waiting for God to point them to the perfect woman who is going to be their wife before they do anything. Dating is how people find out if someone is a good fit for them or not and some Christians need to get over the hurdle of believing that the first person they ask on a date is going to be their wife (unless God has spoken to them otherwise of course).
I encourage Christian men to take some risks, date women to get to know them and once you get to know them you will know whether or not they are a good fit for you. And in the process, you will learn how to relate to women and hopefully develop some positive friendships in the process as long as you continue to put God first. And a hint to men, you become more attractive when you are intentional and actively pursue a woman. Look for windows of opportunity and go for it. These change and when it’s too late, it really might be too late. Second hint, many women are more open than you think; many will give you a chance and go out on a date with you if you just ask. If it doesn’t work out, shake off the dust, at least you know that it wasn’t a good fit, then try again. If you don’t ever risk and get over the fear of rejection, you may end up old, single, and lonely, if that’s what you want.
Women: Active Waiting
And to my Christian women friends, rather than us adoring from a distance and creating this wonderful fantasy of how we will one day fall in love with this ideal man, let's breakthrough into reality. Is there a way to pursue men as a friend without being the pursuer of a relationship? Is there any way to spend time with him, whether it’s in a group or out to coffee, then at least we will know if he really is that ideal man we’ve made him up to be or if he is just a creation of our imagination. And then if he’s not the ideal man we thought he was, we won’t have to spend endless hours, days, weeks, and months wasting our thoughts fantasizing about someone whom we thought could be the “one.” I strongly believe that it’s not our job to pursue men, but at the same time I think it’s perfectly ok to put yourself out there and pursue a friendship with a man we might be interested in. We need to continue to put God first, be ourselves, but also learn how to flirt, smile, captivate, and be more open to the men in our lives.
As we seek first the kingdom of God with everything inside of us, seek to be led by the Spirit, and remain open to receive all that God might want to give us, I believe there will be strength in the midst of the waiting.
And if we are thinking about putting on makeup, dressing cuter, looking hot and sexy, yes that is something that will attract men, which is a good thing, but I think above all, if we choose to do any of these things, we need to do them for ourselves first and foremost. If we are content with ourselves, make up or no makeup, that is what is going to show the most in our interactions with men. If someone’s heart is bursting inside them, they are full of smiles and love, and open, the right people will be drawn to them.
I really feel the season of preparation in the midst of the gift of the season of singleness needs to be capitalized on. I think that the best relationships happen when a woman is content in who and how God has made her, then she enters a relationship in a giving mode not a taking one. Granted, no one will ever be perfect enough before entering into a relationship but why not use that time before marriage to intentionally ask God to prepare us while we are actively waiting.
All:
So to all, I think the key word really is RISK. Let us begin to put ourselves out there and take chances with people. As long as this is done with respect, each person can only begin to grow up more, learn from mistakes (yes, there will be many but we will improve with time, I promise), and get closer to marriage. I encourage us to ask God to open up our eyes and hearts. He may want to bring us someone whom we have not previously considered but who is right in front of us.
Clothes: The Perfect Allegory
Just last year I needed to by a warm coat for my new life in England, yes in California we don't have such strange weather. Anyway, I looked and looked for the ideal coat. I was close minded to all coats over a certain price range as well as all coats with furry hoods. There was one coat that I really liked the style of. It seemed to be totally me but when I tried it on, it didn't fit right. I did actually consider buying it anyway. Regardless of how good it looked on the hanger, realistically it wouldn't have suited me because it didn't fit right. Finally, after looking for hours for that perfect coat, a friend convinced me to broaden my horizon. She encouraged me to at least try one of the coats with the furry hoods just to see. Turns out that I tried one, it was a great fit, and I ended up buying it.
All this to say, sometimes the style we think will be the perfect fit doesn't end up working at all. And there might be times we risk missing the unexpected perfect fit because we are too close minded to give it a chance. We will never know if it fits unless we try it on. What do we really have to lose anyway? We might just make a friend in the process, or even better, who knows, we might end up with that perfect fit after a few tries. There might just be greater things God has for us if we are more open minded to possibilities we otherwise never considered. Just a thought.
As I am in a continual stage of processing my outlook on the subject, would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks Jen
Showing posts with label Singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Singleness. Show all posts
The Gift of Singleness
On the issue of singleness here are some of my present thoughts and encouragements, mainly written for women, based off recent conversations, a friend asking me to write on “purity,” and my own devotional reading centered on Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. Here Paul is mainly giving his own wisdom and advice.
1 Corinthians 7:25-40
“Are you married? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this…I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may love in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord…”
I honestly don’t think that it is our responsibility to seek a husband. It is our responsibility to seek first His kingdom and trust that all things will be added unto us (Matthew 6:33).
The Gift of Singleness is also the Gift of Preparedness in disguise. I have been pondering the woman of Proverbs 31 and more and more instead of trying to fantasize about my husband and what he will be like and praying for God to hurry up already and bring him to me because I have been so damn faithful (there has definitely been a time and place for that my friends), instead of all that, He has graciously turned me toward really beginning to love my future husband by having me pray preparation over myself. As a woman, instead of the outward action of seeking, I have been led to ask the Holy Spirit to do some intense preparation on my own heart and soul so that when the time does come, I will be ready.
Hadassah spent 12 months in preparation before getting her chance to meet the king and then consequently become Queen Esther. What could be worse than having the man of our dreams show up on his black stallion ready to sweep us off our feet but we don’t see him because we are wallowing in self-pity, struggling with bitterness that bleeds a horrible stench over us, or not self-controlled enough to wait for him? Or what if he doesn’t see our beauty because it’s clouded by all the baggage we haven’t taken the time to deal with? Granted nobody is ever going to be ready enough or perfect, but why not take advantage of the gift of singleness set before us to allow the Holy Spirit to make us even more wonderful than we already are so that we can give even more to our future spouse?
Ultimately living with the tension of the now and not yet in the area of relationships, being single and at the same time really desiring to be with a man and knowing, hoping that he is coming soon, doing this well all has to do with the issue of trust. The majority of my personal problems and my problems with God all come down to this issue…Trust. Is my perspective correct? Do I really believe what God says about me and my future and is He trustworthy to make all things comes to pass? If there is an intense desire in my heart to get married one day, can I trust that God will bring it to pass in His perfect timing if it is really His will? And can I be so secure in Him either way that I trust that He knows what is best for me regardless of the outcome? Do I really believe Him when He says He wants to do “immeasurably more than we ask or imagine (exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think)” in Ephesians 3:20? Do I believe Him when He says “There is no want (lack) to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing” in Psalms 34:9-10? Or when He says, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass” in Psalms 37:3-5? These are some of the main verses that consistently have gotten me through times of desperation in desiring to be with someone. These truths I continue to hold on to for when that next wave of desperation comes so that I won’t be swept off my feet.
Today, I am convinced that “my God shall supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:20). He is in love with us; let us invite the Holy Spirit to continue preparing us for when God’s perfect timing comes to pass. And in the meantime, let us enjoy this one and only chance to live a totally undivided heart towards the Lord!
To see another side of this issue that I wrote several years later, see Action Dating
1 Corinthians 7:25-40
“Are you married? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this…I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may love in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord…”
I honestly don’t think that it is our responsibility to seek a husband. It is our responsibility to seek first His kingdom and trust that all things will be added unto us (Matthew 6:33).
The Gift of Singleness is also the Gift of Preparedness in disguise. I have been pondering the woman of Proverbs 31 and more and more instead of trying to fantasize about my husband and what he will be like and praying for God to hurry up already and bring him to me because I have been so damn faithful (there has definitely been a time and place for that my friends), instead of all that, He has graciously turned me toward really beginning to love my future husband by having me pray preparation over myself. As a woman, instead of the outward action of seeking, I have been led to ask the Holy Spirit to do some intense preparation on my own heart and soul so that when the time does come, I will be ready.
Hadassah spent 12 months in preparation before getting her chance to meet the king and then consequently become Queen Esther. What could be worse than having the man of our dreams show up on his black stallion ready to sweep us off our feet but we don’t see him because we are wallowing in self-pity, struggling with bitterness that bleeds a horrible stench over us, or not self-controlled enough to wait for him? Or what if he doesn’t see our beauty because it’s clouded by all the baggage we haven’t taken the time to deal with? Granted nobody is ever going to be ready enough or perfect, but why not take advantage of the gift of singleness set before us to allow the Holy Spirit to make us even more wonderful than we already are so that we can give even more to our future spouse?
Ultimately living with the tension of the now and not yet in the area of relationships, being single and at the same time really desiring to be with a man and knowing, hoping that he is coming soon, doing this well all has to do with the issue of trust. The majority of my personal problems and my problems with God all come down to this issue…Trust. Is my perspective correct? Do I really believe what God says about me and my future and is He trustworthy to make all things comes to pass? If there is an intense desire in my heart to get married one day, can I trust that God will bring it to pass in His perfect timing if it is really His will? And can I be so secure in Him either way that I trust that He knows what is best for me regardless of the outcome? Do I really believe Him when He says He wants to do “immeasurably more than we ask or imagine (exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think)” in Ephesians 3:20? Do I believe Him when He says “There is no want (lack) to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing” in Psalms 34:9-10? Or when He says, “Trust in the Lord, and do good; Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass” in Psalms 37:3-5? These are some of the main verses that consistently have gotten me through times of desperation in desiring to be with someone. These truths I continue to hold on to for when that next wave of desperation comes so that I won’t be swept off my feet.
Today, I am convinced that “my God shall supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:20). He is in love with us; let us invite the Holy Spirit to continue preparing us for when God’s perfect timing comes to pass. And in the meantime, let us enjoy this one and only chance to live a totally undivided heart towards the Lord!
To see another side of this issue that I wrote several years later, see Action Dating
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